


Idontwannabeyouanymore

by nctotgay



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mentioned Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Mentioned Seo Youngho | Johnny, No Resolution, POV Third Person, idk - Freeform, just sad, sorry jeno ily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-24 16:52:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15634791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nctotgay/pseuds/nctotgay
Summary: Jeno just doesn't want anyone to worry, what's so wrong about that?-Written while listening to my "Sunk" playlist on spotify.





	Idontwannabeyouanymore

**Author's Note:**

> Not proof read. sorry.  
> Playlist link: https://open.spotify.com/user/suro-sudo/playlist/5XEch00d3qRBiEMGDa2cSO?si=s5u0tAdCTfCaaQdE64Deow

“Idontwannabeyou”

 

It wasn’t that he hated himself, because he didn’t.

He could point out things that he liked about himself, if someone asked he would say “my hair,” or “my eyes.”

That was enough, wasn’t it? I mean sure, he could put up at act. Try to convince himself that he loved himself, but was it worth it? Living a lie? Or trying to?

 

It was working.

Maybe.

He wasn’t sure. All he was sure of was that his smile was off, and he needed to fix that. Because, damn, if he couldn’t convince himself how could he convince other people?

It was supposed to be easy. They made it seem easy.

 

It wasn’t, though. After an hour of smiling, looking at himself in that stupid fucking mirror he couldn’t even convince himself that it was real.

How stupid of him.

He was so, so stupid. He wasn’t even capable of taking care of the others, how could he take care of himself?

His one damn wish was that they wouldn’t worry about him. That’s all he wanted, but it didn’t work. He was a burden; he was such a burden if he couldn’t even fake being slightly alright.

 

Wait—no, he was okay. Yeah. He didn’t have any problems, nothing significant enough to make him not okay. That would be so pitiful—so sad if he wasn’t okay. It would be selfish of him; you know? If he was ungrateful. It would be selfish of him to be so sad and empty when everything he needs is right in front of him.

Friends, family, food, water, comfort, warmth…

So why was he—why is he so void of everything? Why doesn’t he feel connected to his friends? Why does he feel like his family would be so much better without him? Why doesn’t he _want_ the food he has? Why is water the only thing he likes? Why does he feel so uncomfortable all the time? Why is he so cold all the time?

-

The shower was scolding hot, almost un bearable—yet Jeno enjoyed this feeling, focusing on the pain rather than himself.

Focusing on how it stings, how his body somehow gets used to it—and how he has to make it a _little_ hotter again. And again.

He’d rather focus on that than how hungry he was, or how Donghyuck said he was too busy to talk to him, when Jeno knew his schedules were clear for a week.

-

How could he be so selfish to not feel anything?

 

Why is it that whenever he asks someone how they are, they seem so genuine when they say “I’m great!” but whenever he responds, he hesitates to say the same?

What’s that about?

Why is Jeno wanting, so selfishly wishing someone to asking him how he is so maybe one day he says the truth, but he never does?

What’s so hard about saying “I could be better”?

-

Jisung paused, looking at Jeno. “Hey, are you okay?”

Jeno nodded, slowly. He acted confused, “yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I… I don’t know, you just look different, that’s all.”

-

Perhaps it’s because he doesn’t want to bother them? They have their own problems, why bother them with his? It would be really annoying, or so he thinks.

Oh, and don’t get him started looks. Face? Fine. But his body? Fuck, there could be some work done.

But it’s nothing he hasn’t heard before. People say it, he knows that.

He’s heard them say it. I mean, it’s kind of hard not to when they say it to your face.

They’re right, though. He could look better. He really, really could.

How did he even get to this thought process, though? He was feeling so good about himself earlier. Not untouchable, but he was confident.

He knew what happened, but he shouldn’t have let it affect him. It’s just… How could someone so good looking, so perfect have no confidence at all? Feel shitty when they look like that? He was nothing compared to Donghyuck. So when his best friend came to him with these thoughts, so sad and so concerning, how could he not look at himself differently?

-

“I don’t get how you’re so confident.” Donghyuck thought out loud.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, honestly... I just, how can someone feel good about themselves?”

-

That was it. That was whenever he stopped eating as much. That’s when his mind was filled with doubt, and negativity.

So strange, isn’t it? How one small conversation (that Donghyuck probably doesn’t remember) can change someones whole thought process.

He hated it. He hated himself.

Yeah. He did. He definitely did.

God, he didn’t even want to _be_ himself! How could he? He’s so imperfect, so gross.

How could he want to be himself, when he’s… when he’s Jeno.

Stupid, ugly, selfish Jeno.

That’s all he was.

And why would he want to be that? Why would anyone want to be that?

They wouldn’t. And no matter how hard Jeno tries to be different, it never works out. Why would it? It shouldn’t. He doesn’t deserve that.

Jeno feels like freezing to death. Yeah, that’s what he wants.

He doesn’t want to die, actually. He just wants to sleep, and never wake up. He wants the chance to wake up a new person, happy, smart, beautiful, and giving.

However, that would never happen. It couldn’t, because that’s not how things work.

 

Sometimes, his favorite times, he’d forget who he was. Just for a little bit. Whether he’s watching a show, or laughing with Dream, there would be that split second of freedom, of bliss.

But then he’d remember, and he wouldn’t just be laughing to laugh—he’d have to make himself laugh, make himself smile, make himself talk.

That was no fun, though. How could it be? It wasn’t freedom, it was him. Him trying to be likeable, him putting up a front that everything was fine. And whenever he did feel okay, when he did feel good and he’d talk about his interests, and he would be so excited, only to be shot down.

He once said “They’re just so cool! And he’s just so handsome, yeah? He could step on me.” Jeno, for once, was feeling okay. He wasn’t forcing himself to talk, to laugh—but then Renjun (a long time best friend of Jenos, and he loves him a lot. And let me tell you, he feels horrible for getting mad at him—for so selfishly resenting him.) just responds with “oof”

What the fuck is that? Jeno was really, so grateful that he shared that interest and excitement with him. Meant a lot, actually. Really made him feel good about himself.

So now he shuts up, and only talks when someone else brings up a subject.

He doesn’t get too excited though, because that could be annoying. And he doesn’t talk about his problems, because that could worry other people. He doesn’t do a lot of things for the sake of other people, and when he thinks of it like that—

Is he really that selfish? I mean, obviously he has to be. Why else would everyone distance themselves from him?

Why else would every conversation feel so dry and empty?

It wasn’t the other person, they’re fine and he _knows_ that. So who else is there to blame besides himself?

No one.

 

And so here he is, sitting alone in the dark. The only noise is the air conditioning, and everyone in the living room playing games or something. They’re being kind of loud, and he kind of minds but he’s not going to tell them to stop.

That’s rude and selfish, he thinks. He’s pretty sure it is.

They’re having fun, so he’ll let them have fun.

Without him.

He lets them do a lot of things without him, and they don’t seem to mind. And when they do seem to mind, they just feel bad. He can tell. They just feel bad that everyone has a better time without him, its pity when Taeyong says “Are you sure you don’t want to come? You haven’t been with us in a while. You should really come this time! We miss you.”

He’s just being nice, right? When Taeyong or Doyoung or Johnny or someone invites him to go hang out—that’s pity, that’s just them feeling sorry for Jeno.

No one would want to hang out with him, no one would want to be friends with him. Why would they? Hell, he doesn’t even want himself.

So how could anyone else?

It wasn’t logical.

 

What was logical was pretending to be asleep when Renjun came into the room, rolling over in his bed and closing his eyes to spare Renjun his time of day.

That’s the least selfish thing he could do.

Obviously he wastes Renjuns time, he doesn’t interest him anymore. Who wouldn’t be, though? Then he heard footsteps walk out the room, and shut the door.

Alone, again.

That’s what he wanted, right? It was, Jeno said so himself.

So why was he so disappointed? Didn’t make sense, at all. But he could ignore that, he could bathe in the cold, dark room.

He could forget who he was for a brief moment, all alone.

Jeno could mute out his own thoughts, but he couldn’t mute out the voices coming from outside his room.

So he listened, focused on the voices.

 

“I’m just worried,” said Taeyong. “He doesn’t do anything, hardly. I haven’t seen him genuinely happy in… in months!”

He worried them?

He could hear the others agree, continuing their discussion about him.

 

After all of this work to not burden them, to not spill all his problems, all his attempts at being fine and he _worries_ them?

That’s fucking fantastic. Isn’t it?

Jeno got up, walked across the hall to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

Immediately, their voices stopped.

Now they knew he was alive, so they wouldn’t have to worry about that.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @jenogay  
> curious cat: https://curiouscat.me/winwriting
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
